The Butterfly Effect

just now after work, i stopped by the post box in front of the office and dropped in a few letters.

few minutes later after i drove away, i realized i forgot to put stamps.

could you believe that? i put in mails inside the post box without the stamps! gosh, i'm so screwed up right? this is so up there like going out of the house without wearing pants.

i mean, what kind of person would forget to put stamps on mails? a crazy person. mr bean. and then me.

either that ginkgo biloba i've just started consuming lately had an adverse effect (note: ginkgo biloba is supposed to sharpen brains and improve memory. i must remember to check if this is expected), or a million and one things in my head finally caught up with me.

maybe the latter.

i've made up a list of things i must do before moving to the states. it has things like, to cancel my credit cards, to request change of address to banks, to terminate my starthub accounts etc etc. i saved one copy to my desktop in the office, and sent a copy to my private mails. this is because i figured, i can no longer handle all these stuff in my brain with the verge of emotional outburst that i'm almost having right now.

seriously, it's not easy to suddenly take a 180 degrees turn and change my life like this. it's easy to just look ahead and anticipate all the excitements of a new environment, but that's before i realized all of the things i have to give up and let go.

especially things that are close to the heart. leaving your current life behind is such a big deal apparently. call me stupid and ignorant but the fact is, i just realized that. this is not like setting my automatic fish feeder before leaving house for a week. this is like writing the final will knowing there is no way you could alter the final decision.

last week when i was leaving my grandpa's house for the eid-adha break, my grandpa hugged me, broke down and cried that he's already so old and i'm gonna leave him to be in the galaxy far far away. that was just my grandpa. what about the time later when i have to say goodbye to my parents?

this is so not the situation i had in mind when i decided to click that button applying for the job. the same way that i bet the Heroes writers didn't have in mind when they decided to kill of elle bishop. kind of make you think, what the hell were they thinking? what the hell was i thinking?

but you know, among the things that eid-adha teaches us is that we have to make sacrifices in life. maybe this is the sacrifice i have to make in order to lead a better life. life inside work at least. if i have a choice, i would like to take all the people that matters to the states with me but then, that's not possible.

so for now, i just go through with this mixed feeling. after all, who'd say that i won't return after that? the earth is round, so we could go around and always end up in the same place in the end. i was so engrossed thinking about this the other day till before i knew it, i drove in my condo entrance using the visitor's pathway.

i just have to have a good grip of things.

.. or a larger dose of ginkgo biloba.



...ed