My Acid Rain (when Abel look at Cain)

so i don't get the work transfer.

which is ok. honestly. the thing is, i could argue the pros and cons all day but in the end when the interviewer asked one basic question why i wanted to go, i could not answer.

i really could not. can you believe that? after all this huhu-haha and i still don't know why i put myself in that place. that moment when the room felt silent waiting for my response while i racked my brains finding reasons, i realized there was none.

nada.

none that matters anyway. i mean, there's only that far that 'want a new challenge' could go. it's not like something i really wanted to do but rather just because it's new, interesting and full of possibility. i mean, everybody loves changes once in awhile but is it wise change for the sake of changing?

i realized then that i was just following popular sentiments. everybody expected me to go so i figured i have to go. don't we all normally? we always go with the flow. if the majority says so, then it must be so. that's what living in democratic society teaches us.

but apparently i cannot lie to my own heart deep inside.

so i'm staying still at the moment. i'm not gonna kill myself over this, but i'm not without dissappointment either.

because i hate rejections. and i hate to admit defeats.

that's why i never take the first step if there's no signal at all. that's why i give reasons on all outcomes, having all the sour grapes because i can never say i lost fair and square. it's just not in my DNA.

so you see, it kills me to know that this other girl got the spot instead of me. my only consolation is that the decision was not based on technical expertise blah-blah but only on sheer determination to work 12-14 hrs a day for the next 3 years with zero guarantee it will stop after that.

oh that sounds so so inviting.

well i wish them luck. you know, probably i'll wish them luck from a land far far away. maybe from some beach resort sun-tanning while sipping cold drinks with slices of lemon and rose, blurbing to them on the phone 'oh sorry i forgot you're still working'.

coz u see, unlike them, i can take holidays whenever i want.

and after awhile i'm sure this knife on my back won't hurt me anymore too.

i had a talk with my boss that fateful morning, when he said it's good that i'm staying put because the new place will have people blow fire all around and i will have to accommodate so much that there will be no time to go deep technically.

the way he spelt it more or less like i had just escaped a transfer to the dungeon and i should be happy.

i love what i do right now. i always think what i'm doing now is the same as the CSI, you know, that tv show. just that instead of dead bodies, i had disfunctional circuits. instead of looking for traces of blood and fingerprints, i look for abnormal electrical characteristics. instead of recreating murder scenes, i create a fail-model. instead of finding the killer, i find production defects.

imagine how i felt when barely an hour later he announced that he will leave the company for that new place. he, the judas who applauded my dungeon-avoiding act.

you f-bet i will give him a phone call from that beach too. NOT wishing him luck.



...ed