tales cautionary

it has been rough weeks recently workwise.

i don't know why, i felt a bit like struggling to cope with everything but in the end i didn't seem to accomplish anything.

it's frustating. but i told myself i should take it light. it's end of the year anyway, which means lunch treats, annual bonus, shoppings and christmas illumination.

i'll start work again after new year.

so few of my goldfishes died mysteriously. big deal. maybe they had heart attack from the thunder or something.

and i don't even remember that bowling match that we lost last week. the lanes condition were horrible, and it's not like there were trophies to win anyway. i'm sure it was just a blip.

the important thing is, to just look ahead.

especially after i browsed through facebook discussion board just now. there was this post asking us to name one good thing that we did today.

think about it, and i thought really hard, i didn't do anything good at all. ok i gave the report that the boss wanted at work, but i was paid to do that.

is letting a car overtook me at the highway considered a good deed?

i'm hooked with facebook recently. i'm not a person who has online profiles in every community net groups imaginable, but this time i'm addicted.

facebook is just fun. i mean, even when you have no constructive or intelligent things to say, you can chop off a good 20 years of your age and just splash someone with water.

virtually of course.

not that it can't get serious. i'm even in that 'save the monks save burma' group (it's not the real group name, i just have too much 'heroes' in my head right now).

out of the facebook addiction for while, i went to jb last weekend. one of my dear friend got married.

the thing about a close friend's wedding is that you'd always ended up staying longer than planned, with most of that time spent sitting around doing nothing.

i'm not complaining. it's her one of a lifetime event anyway so that was the least i could do. to be fair, i was well-fed and it's not like i have to help-out or anything.

plus, it was a good chance to catch up with friends. we managed to catch beowulf in tebrau city jusco. i wanted to watch '30 days of nights' but it wasn't shown there that day.

at least i got the chance to see anthony hopkins and angelina jolie naked. one thing scratched from my must-do list before the new year.




...ed

My Acid Rain (when Abel look at Cain)

so i don't get the work transfer.

which is ok. honestly. the thing is, i could argue the pros and cons all day but in the end when the interviewer asked one basic question why i wanted to go, i could not answer.

i really could not. can you believe that? after all this huhu-haha and i still don't know why i put myself in that place. that moment when the room felt silent waiting for my response while i racked my brains finding reasons, i realized there was none.

nada.

none that matters anyway. i mean, there's only that far that 'want a new challenge' could go. it's not like something i really wanted to do but rather just because it's new, interesting and full of possibility. i mean, everybody loves changes once in awhile but is it wise change for the sake of changing?

i realized then that i was just following popular sentiments. everybody expected me to go so i figured i have to go. don't we all normally? we always go with the flow. if the majority says so, then it must be so. that's what living in democratic society teaches us.

but apparently i cannot lie to my own heart deep inside.

so i'm staying still at the moment. i'm not gonna kill myself over this, but i'm not without dissappointment either.

because i hate rejections. and i hate to admit defeats.

that's why i never take the first step if there's no signal at all. that's why i give reasons on all outcomes, having all the sour grapes because i can never say i lost fair and square. it's just not in my DNA.

so you see, it kills me to know that this other girl got the spot instead of me. my only consolation is that the decision was not based on technical expertise blah-blah but only on sheer determination to work 12-14 hrs a day for the next 3 years with zero guarantee it will stop after that.

oh that sounds so so inviting.

well i wish them luck. you know, probably i'll wish them luck from a land far far away. maybe from some beach resort sun-tanning while sipping cold drinks with slices of lemon and rose, blurbing to them on the phone 'oh sorry i forgot you're still working'.

coz u see, unlike them, i can take holidays whenever i want.

and after awhile i'm sure this knife on my back won't hurt me anymore too.

i had a talk with my boss that fateful morning, when he said it's good that i'm staying put because the new place will have people blow fire all around and i will have to accommodate so much that there will be no time to go deep technically.

the way he spelt it more or less like i had just escaped a transfer to the dungeon and i should be happy.

i love what i do right now. i always think what i'm doing now is the same as the CSI, you know, that tv show. just that instead of dead bodies, i had disfunctional circuits. instead of looking for traces of blood and fingerprints, i look for abnormal electrical characteristics. instead of recreating murder scenes, i create a fail-model. instead of finding the killer, i find production defects.

imagine how i felt when barely an hour later he announced that he will leave the company for that new place. he, the judas who applauded my dungeon-avoiding act.

you f-bet i will give him a phone call from that beach too. NOT wishing him luck.



...ed