first dance from afar

i don't like attending weddings.

i used to like the foods, the gatherings when we can chit-chat with our table-mates, table-hopping in between servings, also i like the facts that i can dress-up a bit for the occasion, 'coz when you work as an engineer you're only allowed to wear boring clothes to work.

but recently i started to feel something when i see the matrimonies. the more romantic it is, the more uncomfortable i feel. like just now when i went to this colleague's wedding dinner at sentosa 'the arches.

i was standing at the building balcony overlooking the opening surrounded by oil lamps ala survivors where the couple began their first dance, being led by musicians playing violins and organ at one corner, when i felt something in my heart.

i saw other ppl watching the dance admirably step by step from aside and i very much like to be one of them but i couldn't help feeling envious inside. yeah i think that was the feeling. seeing my old friend whom i played bowling with last time now working in the states and marrying one of the high profile and respected figure in the company, not to mention he's japanese and good looking too.

she has got everything she wanted, didn't she? it's frustrating to see other ppl's good fate and compare it to mine. not that mine's entirely bad but let's face it, i'm not getting married anytime soon. in fact, i'm not sure i'll ever will however bad my father wants me too, so this is something still out of my reach. i hate it when i have things that i cannot have, yet easily accessible to other ppl. it's like i'm cursed or sth.

the were 2 other couples on my table. one of them was this attractive guy with a quite charming girl which looked so in love with each other. the guy from the other couple was not that attractive but at least he has got a wife beside him. me? i was having empty seat on my right, and a rather talkative sometimes annoying colleague on my left. i don't understand where these ppl found their respective soulmates. mine for all i know already drowned in last year's tsunami or maybe among those perished in world war 2.

so when i saw the bride just now playing some tunes from the organ specially for her newly-wedded husband, and when the groom made a touching speech for his newly-wedded wife, i felt so jealous. when i realized i was being surrounded by bunch of married ppl or those already started planning their wedding ceremonies, i felt like a loser.

which is so not what i was expecting to feel on christmas day, after travelling half the island and dropping 80 dollars note in the reception box.


...ed