the ball game

that's it.

i've pressed the button. now the ball is officially in their court.

there's no turning back. am i scared? honestly, a bit, yeah. but just like in malaysian politics, it's not a matter of whether can i afford to change things now, but rather can i afford not to?

now that i wrote this, i couldn't help feeling kinda deja-vu. you know, i've done this before. i've clicked the button too sometime last year but what where did the ball ended up to?

rot in their court.

but i'm sure this time is different. i mean, this is not like following the common trend and going with the flow without knowing if i really want it.

i had wanted this since years back.

in fact, this couldn't have come at a better time. it's as if the heaven's door was wide open when i was having my doubts about recent events and hoping for some enlightenment.

did i accidentally rub any magic lamp recently?

anyway, it's only fair. i've been in this tunnel long enough. longer than the time it took for my car to go through its first petrol kiosk car wash. heck, even cinderella has a midnight dateline.

what i'm going to do now, is just see how things go. if this doesn't work out, just like the almost-expired free movie passes i carry around in my bag failing to be utilized due to prolonged unmatched timings, so be it. everything must have happened for a reason so why fret over unsuspected turn of events?

except my friend said this is not enough. apparently wanting it just 80% will not get me what i want because i have 20% doubts. i need to be wanting it 110%. or at least the intention to cut my wrist if anything goes by negative.

hmm actually he has a point. my brain just shut down and i stuttered like a retarded shabery during his live debate with anwar ibrahim in malaysian tv during last year's interview, because i didn't know how to answer why i wanted that position.

if i were to rate how much i had wanted that job, maybe somewhere around 5%.

that was just slightly more than how i wanted that pink shirt in EDC but eventually backed out because i already bought the discounted green striped one and i wanted to be frugal. or maybe how much i wanted to watch dark knight at the cinema now that people said it was all talk an no action.

the point is, i just need to make my decision and stick to it.

yes. i mean, i had thrown the ball to their court, so if they want to play beach volleyball with it, then so i will.

...no matter how hot the sand would be under my feet like last saturday noon sentosa game. at least this time i will be prepared not to get sun-burnt.




...ed